Hear Ye, Hear Ye: My Return to Blogging

I always thought my return to blogging would herald some sort of self-actualized breakthrough - holy cow, I'm cured! I don't feel sad anymore! My opinions are once more valid! - but this was an erroneous assumption in two ways. One, there's no such thing as a breakthrough in therapy. And two, it's way, way funnier to scrawl daily observations about life, in and/or outside of New York City, as witnessed by myself and others. (My therapist and psychiatrist would add that my opinions are valid if I think that they are, but that's a different post. Quite possibly a whole series of them.)

So, without further ado, I'm returning to blogging with a series of posts I'm titling "Stuck on Repeat: Greatest Hits from the Dating Profiles of Straight Men in New York City, Circa 2013". I don't want to spend too much time on how I have this information - it's a very new and fragile interpersonal cannonball dive for me, to put up an online dating profile, and to acknowledge that I too, am human and have needs - but I have definitely noticed a pattern/horrifying similarities among the tastes and activities of straight men within five square miles of Manhattan County.

Observations starting June 17, at which point I'd been on Dating-Site-Which-Shall-Remain-Unnamed for a week:
1. Selfies - of you unsmiling and/or shirtless - do not inspire confidence.

Selfies: a non-good reflection of yourself.

2. In the "About Me" section, please do not list any of the following: "I just had my heart broken" or "I'm just looking for fun." If you feel that either/both reflect your state in life, I recommend pets for the former, Craigslist for the latter.

3. The pendulum swing between normal profile photographs, and head shots which make you look like a prospective UFC contestant, is massive. I don't want to date a morbidly obese person with a heart condition, but come on!

By the numbers, at the end of Week 1:
1. Attractive men who've written me back: 0.
2. Messages I've received which I can neither see nor respond to, because I refuse to pay for communication: 2.
3. Messages I've received which I can neither see nor respond to, because I refuse to pay for communication, from attractive men: 0.
4. Average age of (allegedly) single men: 28.
5. Number of men who have children: 3.
6. Number of men whose children live with them: 1.
7. Number of men who have children and are attractive: 0.

That's all for today, folks, but I enjoyed doing this enough that I think I'll write tomorrow too. Till then, thanks for reading, and I hope these adventures in non-dating are as funny to you as they are to me.